I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
