my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize
