Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
