I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
