I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
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