i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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