i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
