I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
