Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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