Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
