So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
