white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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