nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
