We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
