i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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