I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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