i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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