My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
