Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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