Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
