my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
