There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
