when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
