I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
