My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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