I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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