i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize