2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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