if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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