I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
