My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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