your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You made out with two different species that night
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
