i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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