i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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