I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
