I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
