The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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