Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
