what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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