Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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