I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
