I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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