I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
