I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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