Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
