I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
