Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
did i walk over a car last night?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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