I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
