she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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