I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
