Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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