he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
