If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
