I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
