I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize