broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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