Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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