Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i wish my penis had a tongue
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
