the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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