My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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