I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
