i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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