I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
