I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
