a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
