If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
